


Four times Jack Harkness saved the world with duct tape + one time, not so much, no.

by epithetta



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 07:58:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epithetta/pseuds/epithetta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What it says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four times Jack Harkness saved the world with duct tape + one time, not so much, no.

**Author's Note:**

> Written utilising the writerinadrawer prompt 4.99 " Five things or 4+1" (Added Element: each sub story must reference one of the five senses)

**(*\o/*)**

The stardrive was busted and the airlock was going to open in about an hour and spray the place with the radioactive isotopes. Isotopes that, Jack knew from his first war, virtually reproduced through masturbation. Just the memory of it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"We can get the other ship in the air, but the towing hitch is broken," Alex said. "UNIT said they'd send something, but they're going to be thirty minutes."

Jack checked the scanner. "We don't have thirty minutes. If that cruiser doesn't take off in the next ten minutes, it won't be far enough out of atmo when the timebox opens."

"Well, if you can think of something else to hitch them up, I'm all ears," Alex griped. "At least we won't feel anything at ground zero."

Jack patted himself down. "Oh you'll feel it," he said, "for about five seconds."

"Reassurring. Shall I shoot myself now?"

Jack winked at Alex and pulled the roll from his pocket. "Relax. No one's dying today."

Alex blinked. "You're going to duct tape the ships together."

"Yup."

"Spaceships. With duct tape."

Jack pulled a long strip off with a _shrrrrrrrrrrrrrrip_.

 

**( <3)**

"Come on, you've been in love before, right?"

"Give it up, Jerry, it's not happening."

"Harkness, you have no soul."

"That's a distinct possibility."

The DeV struggled. "Look, I _have_ to see Wanda! Fifteen minutes, man." 

Jack raised his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair, tilting it on two legs. "Jerry, there's no way you're getting near Wanda until you two are a whole system away, so we're gonna wait for the ship like good little—"

Jerry stopped struggling and smiled. "I promise I won't do _anything_."

Jack rolled his eyes. "She's in heat, you're giving off more pheromones than an industrial factory, and the wedding is tomorrow. I highly doubt that."

Jerry twisted in the duct tape cocoon that plastered him to the hotel room wall. "Harkness, someday you're going to be horny as hell and you won't be able to get your rocks off."

Jack laughed. "That's every day, Jerry. But my orgasms don't cause minor supernovas." He buffed his nails with the file. "Just a little while longer and you and Wanda can consummate your brains out in the Gamma quadrant."

Jerry sighed. "Promise?"

Jack winked. "Promise." 

 

**(o/\o)**

"I've been holding this down for the past thirty six hours," the man said, leaning on the huge red button with his hands. 

Jack put one hand on the button, but didn't press. "That's right good of you. You know what this is?"

The man nodded. "Said it'd level Cardiff."

Jack sighed. "More like South Wales." The man's hands tensed and Jack smiled. "Hey, it'll be okay. What's your name?"

The man blinked. He had to be tired. "Huw," he said slowly. 

"Well, Huw," Jack drawled. "You did a great job, and I'm going to ask you to hang on a little while longer. Can you do that?"

Huw snorted. "Do I have a choice?" 

"That's the spirit," Jack mumbled, opening his satchel. Lucia and the others were about an hour away with the detonation restraints, but Huw looked dead on his feet. Something had to be done. "Okay, let's see about that button."

Huw's eyes widened at the object in Jack's hands. "Are you serious?"

"Trust me," Jack said with a wink. "I'm a professional."

_Shrrrrrrrrrrrrrrip_. 

 

**(O_o)**

"The Duchy said that Branthax needs to be alive," Karen said to Jack irritably. 

Jack hefted the body up. "Yeah well, his lungs couldn't take our oxygen levels, so I don’t know how that's gonna happen."

"If they don't see his upright, waving body, they're going to blast the—"

"Yeah, I know, I _know_ ," Jack snapped. "I've dealt with the Duchy and their heat weapons before. "

Karen stamped her foot. "You should have told us that our air was unsuitable. Now the heir to the Duchy is dead and we have five minutes to make it look as if he isn't."

Jack glanced at her. "Princess, I don't know what Torchwood One told you, but I'm not God. I didn't _know_ he couldn't breathe it and…give me that kitchen knife and take off your clothes."

"I beg your—"

"You're the same height, and we need a live body."

"I'm not putting on that creature's _skin_ \--"

"You want to keep the Duchy from incinerating the planet? You'll show them an alive Branthax. Then we'll set his ship on autopilot and steer it into a sun or something." Jack worked the knife in the back of Branthax. 

Karen took off her blouse, and Jack admired the view for a second. "How am I to keep this on?" she asked. "Assuming I don't vomit inside it first thing."

Jack shrugged. "Don't vomit. You'll regret that." He held up the torso and tried not to think that he was skinning a sentient, albeit dead, being. "And we'll fasten it with…" His eyes darted about the room frantically. There it was on the utility shelf. "Bingo." 

 

**(XP)**

"I hope you know that all of these fantastical stories of your _avant-garde_ heroism aren't going to save you," Ianto said as he smoothed the tape over Jack's wrists. 

Jack jerked his arms, but it was just for show. Ianto had done a number on him, and he was pretty attached to the bedposts. Makeshift bedposts, anyway. He wiggled his bare arse against the coverlet beneath him. 

"Oh Mister Jones, whatever can I do to make amends?" he drawled. 

Ianto smiled wanly. "Think of what you did wrong, and of a punishment you feel is suitable." He drew his hand down Jack's chest slowly, contemplating. "We'll compare notes when I return."

"Wait, where are you going?"

Ianto rolled up his sleeves with crisp movements. "There's duct tape glue all over the side mirror of the SUV. I'm going to try to take it off with turpentine."

Jack blinked.

Ianto waved. "Ciao." His heels clanged on the ladder. 

"Ianto? Ianto? Oh come _on_!"

END


End file.
